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|or the adventures of living with a loser|
|ahhh, yes, where to begin.|
So, in June, my Mother set out looking for a new housekeeper. Because I'm doggedly trying to save up for college, I can't afford to rent elsewhere, and hell, it's cheap and I have my own room. psychological problems aside, it's the easiest place I've lived in a decade! Mom met this girl who just arrived in this country from peru, and was trying to get work cleaning houses. She had married an american citizen, who was on a missions trip, so she was here legally, but her husband had lost his job, and was on some bad times. In fact, so bad, that they were getting evicted from their current rental and couldn't afford to live somewhere else. His parents were talking about putting up a trailer for them on their property, so they just had a two or three week period that they would be homeless. He was just starting a new job, driving a truck, so he seemed respectable enough, just a little on bad times.
My Mom, being the nicest, if not the most logical, person in the universe, decided to let them stay with us for "a couple weeks". Being in my own little world 90% of the time, I agreed it can't be that bad for a few weeks. Okay, sure, why not.
a day or two goes by, and we start having issues. I let some go, "it's just a couple weeks" whatever.
It ends up stretching till we finally kicked their ass out today...
not to make this too bitter and angsty, but there were some stupid shit that came up, and I'd like to post this as a general guideline for living with people. Understand this is mostly revolving around my current house and environment, so some of these things may not apply in your particular situation. When in doubt, follow this to the letter!
FLUSH THE FUCKING TOILET. FLUSH the FUCKING toilet. It's the handle on the left of the seat. I know you can find it, it's the only one on the toilet. "oh, but I didn't want to wake anyone up", fuck you, noone is near that bathroom and you know it." Flush the fucking toilet because otherwise the person that comes in the next morning to take a leak has to anyway, the bathroom reeks of urine (or worse) and it is INCREDIBLY unsanitary.
when you're done with the bathroom, you should turn the light off. One it saves electricity and two, people don't have to guess whether someone is in there.
When you're done with the bathroom, LEAVE THE DOOR AJAR. So you dropped a nuclear wessel in the toilet, since the fan in the bathroom sucks and there is no window, it has to air out somehow, or it reeks, it feels dirty. After a shower? GOD FUCKING DAMNIT THE HUMID AIR CAN'T ESCAPE FAST ENOUGH, SO THE CEILING IS GOD FUCKING MOLDING.
If someone knocks on the door, announce that you are in there, or make some noise to that effect. I don't care what you're doing in there, but there are others hear, and by just ignoring when people knock, they start fiddling with the door, they start even thinking about grabbing the key and opening the lock. So you see, hiding behind that cheap ass lock does you no good whatsoever.
What? You have a stomach ache? goody. Lets go over some suggestions for this. if nothing comes out in 15 minutes, it's not going to come out. GET THE FUCK OFF OF THE TOILET! There are other people trying to use said room, and you sitting there for 4 hours precludes me from taking a shower. your stomach still hurts? Poor baby, TAKE SOME FUCKING PEPTO AND CALL ME IN THE FUCKING MORNING!
Now lets talk about personal hygiene for a minute. Personal hygiene is just that: PERSONAL. Suggestions? DO NOT USE MY FUCKING RAZOR. MY RAZOR! BAD MONKEY! NO BANANA! If you really need 5 bars of soap, Do NOT use the fucking bar I opened, because I saw you with your shirt off, and while I can't identify the lesions covering your chest, I don't want to know! Furthermore I don't want it! Finally, and most importantly, I don't buy extra toothbrushes for you to go through four of them in a week. I buy them for myself because I leave them everywhere (note to any friends, if I left a toothbrush at your place, please throw it away).
If you buy food, put it away. If you eat food, clean up after it. If you put food in the refrigerator, please make sure it belongs there.
Making enough for others: Good. Making enough for others, then getting pissy when they eat it: Bad. do you see the difference?
When someone says something is theirs, do not touch it. this should include food, clothes, toiletries, drawers, and anything else you might come along in a standard day that might belong to another person. If that person gives you permission to do something with it, by all means, do so. Until you receive that permission, LEAVE MY SHIT ALONE.
wandering around at 3 am is permitted. wandering into my room is strictly NOT permitted.
When washing your car, please make sure to position it so that you do not get my freshly washed and waxed car with the window down wet.
Even though you may not have to work, there are others in the household that do. SO LETS HAVE SOME QUIET AFTER 10 PM
If you're trying to impress on people, giving you free room and board, that you really are trying to turn your life around, don't do drugs. No, really, you can snort, sip, dip, inject, chortle or consume any fucking thing you want, but if you can't afford to live, then how long do you expect to get handouts?
So there you have it, just a few simple reminders, lets do our part in making the world just a little less annoying, you too can make a difference! When you master these suggestions, please, start adding some of your own, hopefully one day it will be set down in some modern version of the holy grail-- The Holy Grail of the Shitter!-- where you will be banished to the underworld where you'll have to clean up shit for a living because you do this to your fellow man.
So there ya have it, that's what my last 4 monts have been like. I will be posting more in the near future, I've got a stack of things I've been waiting for the situations to blow over before posting, but fuck it, it's taking too long.