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|How about you homeless or indebted drifters? Wanna sucker us into letting you live with us, thinking you're our friend and are going to be of SOME help around the house?|
TOO BAD, FUCK YOU.
Living away from home, two thousand miles away from mom and dad, and cut off from any financial support, you have to make choices to save money. Roommates are the big one though. Tell them for $400 per month they can do as they please in my house, as long as they promise to try not to do any of the following:
- Leave the house a mess.
- Be loud after 1am.
- Screw us out of large amounts of money.
- Bitch to the neighbors about noise, then turn up the 360 Watt stereo in the living room to piss them off.
- Deceive friends or family members, or obscure their opinions about us with rumor and lie alike.
- Promise to pay bills and not pay them on time, putting the respective company in a position to shove things up our asses, sue us or go to creditors about the money.
- Bring small children (4 yrs old) into our house knowing it is NOT child safe.
- Have your boyfriend call at 3am after I work evening shifts.
- Have the same boyfriend threaten to beat the shit out of the neighbors.
- Use MY computer for your annoying MSN and YIM buddies to waste my fucking bandwidth.
- Fuck in the living room, while your best friend is trying to sleep on the couch.
- Fuck in the shower while I'm doing landry two feet away.
- Destroy furniture with your fat ass.
- Own a rodent or caged creature of sorts.
- Make us dog sit your mutt that shits on the floor all the time.
- Bring your not so trustworthy boyfriends over to stay on our couch, in the living room full of valuable possessions and expect us not to kick his ass out on the curb at 2:30am.
- Eat anything marked "Merry Christmas $person" when you are not $person.
- Screw us out of $300 or any other amount of money, and expect us to "forgive and forget".
- Work in the same place I do and do dick all during your shift, and bitch when people tell you you're lazy and a fucking asshole.
- Steal minor items from the house when you get kicked out and expect us not to notice.
- Expect me to fix your computer problems at 4am.
- Respect the sign that says "Please do not bitch about network related problems. D-Link sucks ass, but its cheap."
- Blame me for lack of WAN (Internet) access at any time.
If anyone can abide by those rules, and is a non-smoker, they may live with me and my girlfriend. Until then, will the following please get the fuck out of my house and stay out:
- The lazy fucking co-worker.
- My girlfriend's sister.
- Her boyfriend and his 4 year old.
- The two fat bitches that fucked us out of $300.