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Stories Comments Both
work Chutes and Ladders: The Career Game
by GMFTatsujin
gfd messagesAIM
(Ask and ye shall receive) on Apr 8, 2003 03:17:40 PM

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So you've spied a job opening in another department that actually gives you the pay and title that go with the things you do anyway? Here's a step-by-step guide to getting into the position you so richly deserve.
 

Step One: Compile Your Resume

Collect information on your previous employment. Be sure to include details like start- and end-dates, title, and contact numbers. List your duties and responsibilities clearly and accurately in an easy-to-read format. Bullet-points will probably serve you well here.

Step Two: Verify Your References

Call previous employers and co-workers. Verify that you have the correct contact details and professional information. Confirm their willingness to endorse you as a positive prospective employee. Thank them for their time.

Step Three: Submit Your Application

Make sure you have provided accurate information and have not left any fields blank. Be especially watchful of details like your phone number, mailing address, and other important personal information -- if there is a problem with your application, you want to be easy to contact. Double-check that you have actually *signed the form* if required.

At this point, all you need to do is wait until you discover that, for some reason, your application was rejected. Call the HR department and ask why your application was refused. Be polite. Wait until another similar position opens up again.

Continue to:

Step One: Rewrite Your Resume

Recall that HR employees are not actually required to interpret and understand the applications they recieve. Do not use accurate, technical terms like "developed," "integrated," or "deployed" when describing your previous responsibilities. Instead, use no-nonsense, easily understood words like "made" and "wrote."
At this point, all you need to do is wait until you discover that, for some reason, your application was rejected. Call the HR department and ask why your an interview was not granted. Wait until another similar position opens up again.

Continue to:

Step One: Contact the Hiring Committee

Buy them lunch if need be. Call constantly, at all hours. Wedge your name into their tiny little skulls and push out all the other ones. If possible, be related. Hey, it worked for the last guy who applied.

At this point, all you need to do is wait until you discover that, for some reason, your application was rejected. Call the HR department and demand to know why your application was refused. Fuck polite. Wait until another similar position opens up again.

Continue to:

Step One: Fake Your Resume

Recall that HR employees are not actually required to interpret and understand the applications they recieve. Do not describe your actual previous job responsibilites in any terms whatsoever. Instead, locate the description of the job you are applying for, and copy that text directly into your resume. This will assure that the monkey who reviews your resume will recognize the desired pattern of letters and will push the appropriate button to get the banana to drop out of the food slot, allowing your application to proceed unhindered through HR.

Step Two: Pick Three High-Powered Names From the Phone Book for Your Contacts

They'll never get called, so what's the difference? A beefier references list can only swing in your favor.

Step Three: Shmooze the Hiring Committee

If you already know two of the five members on the hiring committee, so much the better.

At this point, all you need to do is wait until you discover that, for some reason, your application was rejected. Storm into the HR department and demand the testicles and/or nipples of the spineless beauracrat that denied your application. Openly bare your teeth.

Continue to:

Step One: Twiddle Your Thumbs for 2 Months at Your Current Job

After all, there is a *lot* of experience that two months can give you to qualify you for applying for the job in the first place. The HR computer says you need two more months' experience. Who is anybody to argue?

Having started this process two years ago, you will have achieved the position you so richly deserve. That position? Bent over against the wall. Try not to think too much about your 3% pay raise and 10% increase in health care insurance payments, or depression may occur.

[ Comment on this story ]


    brilliant
    by proxy(pro_xy at yahoo)
    gfd messages
    on Apr 8, 2003 09:08:32 PM
    (#6081)
    I am the same way.

    Except I have no job.

    I was going to write my own GFD, but this is too good.

    [Reply to this comment]
    aaah -
    by rababa(chickenchoker@farm.ch)
    gfd messages
    on Apr 9, 2003 12:26:21 AM
    (#6084)
    this looks like my "What i did last summer" story! I hope this summer wont be the same...
    [Reply to this comment]
    use the cooperate phone book.
    by astatine
    gfd messages
    on Apr 10, 2003 10:07:13 PM
    (#6140)
    Get the Cooperate Phone Book for the high-powered executive names.

    :)
    [Reply to this comment]
    Yep...
    by Mithras
    gfd messages
    on Apr 11, 2003 10:33:20 AM
    (#6151)
    I'm in this process now.

    Except, when I sent my resume to my boss to get my job title changed
    (+5K a year if they do it), I jokingly said my resume was a pack of
    lies.

    He said it back with the note - "Lie more"
    [Reply to this comment]
    Addendum to the Final Step One
    by GMFTatsujin(Ask and ye shall receive)
    gfd messagesAIM
    on Apr 13, 2003 11:50:47 PM
    (#6182)
    Watch as other positions are posted the very next weeks with all the same requirements. Steam over the fact that they won't be open in two months, when you can actually numberically qualify for them.

    God Fucking DAMNIT!
    [Reply to this comment]
    You forgot about what happens if you get it.
    by Cheeselog
    gfd messages
    on Apr 16, 2003 11:48:48 AM
    (#6267)
    Once the Elders grant you the promotion/transfer, there's the multi-month wait as the HR department scrambles to find at least one qualified candidate.
    It's a pretty difficult search -- I mean, its not like the economy is choked with over qualified individuals with an array of skills passing their time playing "Tekken," right?
    Get the transfer, move on, and make periodic mocking calls to your former co-workers. Hell, that's what they did to me.
    [Reply to this comment]
    HRHRHR
    by ak47(thedarkcorporation@soon.com)
    gfd messagesICQ
    on Apr 19, 2003 10:20:36 PM
    (#6420)
    Add to all of this that many corporations will not allow employees to vouch for anyone these days. You can be listed as a contact, but all you can do is verify that someone was physically present in the building from October 28th 2001 to Jan 5th 2003 or whatever. Strangely, it becomes easier to verify that a potential employee worked and harder to verify that they were worth a crap. So just skip to the last phase!
    [Reply to this comment]
    Just a quick update
    by GMFTatsujin(Ask and ye shall receive)
    gfd messagesAIM
    on Jul 22, 2003 02:32:39 PM
    (#7967)
    Did I say "3% pay raise?"

    I meant 1%.

    Sorry for the mix-up. Fuck.
    [Reply to this comment]

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