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religion Door-to-door douchebags
by grandtheftcondom
gfd messages
(grandtheftcondom@gmail.com) on Jan 25, 2012 01:15:10 PM

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It is nine in the morning. My offspring was merciful and decided to sleep in, I followed suit and all was going well...

And then some asshole just had to knock on my fucking door.
"I just want to share some amazing news from the bible!"
 
First off, I am the least pleasant thing in the universe when I first wake up. Nevermind the fact that I stayed up late last night writing a paper for a class I dislike. So on this particular morning, I am roughly about as nice as a rabid fucking badger with an STD going through heroin withdrawal.

I hear the knock from my bedroom. Seeing as how it is so early in the morning, I assume that it must be one of two things: a neighbor asking for use of the ice melting salt, or an asshole with a death wish. Either way, I know I have to answer lest the idiot wake up my sleeping infant.

I open the door wearing my boyfriend's way too large T-shirt displaying a pentacle and a metal band's name and pajama bottoms with random cartoon characters I have never heard of. Clearly, I have just gotten out of bed. I look and see some unnaturally cheerful guy wearing a suit and carrying a fistful of tracks and a bible.
Oh fuck, is all I can think.

"Good morning! Do you have a moment? I just want to ask you if you have experienced the glorious mercy of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, and share a few versus with you about the greatness of God" He said this all very very fast.

Now, I am very open to the idea of God and all of that. I don't have a problem with any faith (except for Scientology, but that's for a personal reason) but at nine am, I would hate Gandhi. I don't want to deal with this. If he were some close friend that just found out some sort of spiritual thing that made him happy, fuck, it would be different. But some random schmuck inviting himself over to talk is a different matter entirely. I decide I must cut this short. If I'm lucky, maybe I can scare him away so he never fucking comes back.

"Look," I say. "I'm bi-sexual, worship the Goddess, drink, smoke, swear, I advocate the euthanasia of the terminally ill, believe in the legalization of most natural drugs, and I hate conservative republicans. Whatever it is you want to fucking say to me, I've already fucking heard. You think you know your bible? I know it better. But there is one thing I don't fucking do. I don't fucking knock on a strangers door in the morning to give them all this fucking information do I? Maybe you should fucking do the same!"

He begins to stutter. Clearly, I have frightened him. Good.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to disturb you Miss--" He trails off, obviously waiting for a name so he can also introduce himself and somehow save this wrecked attempt at saving my fucking soul.

"Call me a fucking bitch if it suits you." I shut the door.

Thank God, my kid was still asleep.

The door-to-door douchebag has not knocked on my door since, but I keep finding little pamphlets about the dangers of being homosexual, the dangers of being a liberal, the dangers of thinking for youself, all kind of fucking nonsense.

Because of this, I have decided that every Saturday morning, I'm going to go door-to-door and hand out pamphlets that talk about the wonder and power of Satan, master of the universe or some such silly thing.

Just to make a fucking point.

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