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|You may be wondering why I'm addressing you in a bathrobe. Well, if I could have just a minute of your time, I will happily explain.|
|I live at this house that you have decided to set up shop outside. I work nights, which means I sleep during the day. That means that when large groups of people with no concept of an "inside voice" congregate in front of my house, it keeps me awake. And believe me, I've tried to keep from talking to you about this. I'll be frank: I am deeply prejudiced against hippies.|
Unfortunately, you have now grown so loud that I can literally hear you while I am wearing industrial-grade earplugs. And so, here we are: me, at the end of my rope, in a bathrobe, addressing you, because I am being robbed of the sleep I require to perform adequately at my job. I want you to think about that for a moment. Not having a job -- I realize that is far outside your circle of expertise. But think for just a moment of needing sleep, and not being able to get it. I'm sure you'll agree this is a torturous situation that no human should ever have to endure.
In short: could you please fuck off?
I know, it's hard to find someplace you guys can "hang" and "do your thing." I know that 4th Avenue is a traditional hippie-infested environment. I know that you just want to spread peace, love, and bad renditions of "Comfortably Numb" to your fellow man in the hopes of fostering some distilled, mealy-mouthed version of Timothy Leary's cosmic consciousness.
I also know that I pay rent here, and you don't, and peace and love are no motherfucking match for property law.
So please, please, let me have my sleep. Because if there's one thing you should know about the guy whose property you've been loitering around, it's this: I absolutely love the police. Really! I find it incredibly convenient that certain members of our citizenry have been designated for the application of societal order so that I don't have to take matters into my own hands.
Oh, I know some people don't like the police, but I don't think they've really thought it through very well. After all, without a system of justice in place to handle situations like this, what would stop me from stabbing all of you peaceniks repeatedly in the face? Very little, my friends. Very little indeed.
I'm going back to bed now to try and sleep again. You all have a nice day.