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What I've Learned From Living In Tucson by cxreg (cxreg@godfuckingdamnit.com) on Jun 2, 2005 01:00:32 AM

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I moved to the desert with bean in 2002 after spending most of 24 years on the east coast. Since moving here, I have come to realize many things. I'd like to share some of those with you.   I used to think that people who had "less money" were inherently less assholish. Sure, lots of people are assholes but I had been under the impression that people with lots of money were the bigger assholes. I no longer think that! Being a shithead is equal opportunity! Thank you Tucson for showing me not to generalize! I learned that Green Light means "wait", Yellow Light means "start going" and Red Light means "cram as many cars through as you can before someone is broadsided (which they usually are)". I no longer misunderstand how traffic lights work. Also, when you need to turn (left or right, doesn't matter), you have to come to a complete stop in traffic before starting your turn, or else your car will probably explode. Thanks Tucson! If you think you don't have allergies, you simply live in the wrong place! There's a whole world of pollen and dust that you've never inhaled just waiting to tickle your sinuses. But sneezing isn't the best part, because in the desert, allergies CAN KILL YOU! Then there's pyschology lessons. "Laid back" actually means "passive aggressive and insincere"! Cool! And don't forget rain! Nevermind "downpours", "drizzles", and "sprinkles", because at the first speck of moisture you should lock yourself in your house and if you absolutely must go outside, it is cause for absolute panic, and driving 3 miles per hour (even if it's been "specking" for the last 3 weeks, there's no need to acclimate). And of course there's the "monsoon season" which is a month-long period of sporadic rain that people elsewhere would recognize as "light showers", but who needs drainage when you can allow 2 inches of rain to become A RAGING RIVER. But this is the desert. It's not all rain. It's hot, of course. Fucking really hot. "But it's a dry heat" right? That makes it better? Fuck you, yes, it's dry. It's so dry, that you wake up with a hangover when you HAVEN'T BEEN DRINKING. IS THAT DRY ENOUGH FOR YOU? The only forms of music that exist are mariachi, country, shitty jazz, and 70s metal. A city of nearly a million people has no need for establishments that are open past 10 pm, except for bars that play mariachi, country, shitty jazz, and 70s metal until 1 am. If you own a motorcycle (which you must, or at least have stickers claiming you do), it has to be the loudest loud that ever louded, causing ear hemorrhaging for 15 blocks. If you don't, you should spend all your money on a stereo that plays bass at a volume which actually shakes parts off the car (which you cannot afford to fix since you spent all the money on the stereo, and don't have to since there's no inspection). Mail delivery (coming or going) is optional, and every area is a "training area" which is perfectly valid justification for missing bills, checks, and anything else important. Your credit sucks now? Well then, you should have thought of that before getting utilities or credit cards or loans. I hope you took notes, this will all be on the final.

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